Remember Me?

Sorry, sorry, sorry, SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad, bad, bad Momsgotproblems! I have not written to you. I have not informed you.

But I have not abandoned you.
But I have not forsaken you.
But I have not forgotten you.

It’s not you; it’s me.

Things have been crazy. Things have been trying. Things have been difficult. Things have been trying. Really, really trying.

I feel like Job. (Not job as in employment; Job as in the guy in the Bible that God kept dishing out bad sh*t to repeatedly to test his faith–kinda a mean exam, huh? Kinda like a giganto pop quiz a teacher might give to make sure students are doing the reading. BTW, I never give pop quizzes–as in ever–maybe because I didn’t always do my reading when I was in school? Who knows…) Anywhooo, I digress.

Really, it’s time to move onto some other individual, because I am really starting to get over-the-top overwhelmed. If I am at work, I am letting down Double and Margaret. If I am visiting Double (who is currently in the hospital), I am being a bad mother and employee. If I am visiting Margaret (who is not at home, but somewhere else…if I got into it, this entry would be 9,736,593.748 words–or something like that–long–) I am letting down my own family and Double.

I am only one person!!!

Oh, and I forgot one person who is all up in the Kool Aid: ED. Oh, in case you have never heard this expression, it is Southern. Actually the whole expression is, “He/She is all up in the Kool Aid and doesn’t know the Flavor,” which basically refers to someone who throws his/her two cents in and doesn’t know what’s going on. I f*cking HATE that! Anywhooo, I digress, AGAIN.

Back ED. He’s taking advantage of the situation. I’m just doing whatever he wants without any discussion, arguments, questioning, concerns, issues. No protests.

Zip. Nil. Nyet. Nada.

I know what you, my lovely readers (and you all are extremely lovely) are thinking, “Oh, Moms, that’s just pathetic! Just going along with ED? PATHETIC!”

Yup. Guilty as charged. I’ve been hitting drive-thru’s and convenient stores (you can ONLY guess what kinds of things I am purchasing) and the junk food at home. I’ve justified it by saying I am just doing what I have time to do. Because we all know it takes less time to buy a candy bar than an apple.

I am very terrible at handling my own life.
But I am excellent at making a plethora of excuses.

The 7 Deadly Sins…And a Couple of Extras

Ok, my faithful readers, most of us have seen the movie Seven which throws Morgan Freedman, the actor formerly known as Brangelina, the Bible (the first one), the seven deadly sins, irony, etc. into one psycho thriller. And psycho stuff I know! Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the bad things the Kevin Spacey (yeah I know, not him, but the guy he is portraying) punishes in his own murderous ways. And though I am usually a rule-follower and not a rule breaker…ok, I don’t always follow those posted signs on roads that tell me the speed to drive (but aren’t speed limits merely recommendations?), and is lying really lying if it is for a good cause and/or you don’t get caught, and, and, and perhaps there are a couple of other “rules” that I might have forgotten. But I digress…

Sadly some of the sins are Ed-related to which I fall victim, but I think there are a couple of sins that didn’t make the list.

I’ll go through the famous ones and link them to me.

LUST. I don’t even need to tell you what I lust after. But I will. I lust after skinny. I want a skinny body and will do just about anything to get one. Lately the lust part is true but the “do anything” part is severely lacking.

GLUTTONY. This one is even more obvious than Lust. And by obvious, I mean, eat every single morsel I can get my hands on and look and see how I no longer possess a human-sized body, obvious.

GREED. I want food. A lot of food. More food than exists on this planet, any planet. Even Pluto, which is no longer even considered a planet, but is called a dwarf. (I could sing you the Planet Song, but lucky for you, there is no audio attached to my blog.) Oh, if only I could get locked in a restaurant or a big *ss supermarket with a few of my bestest friends (me, myself, and I).

SLOTH. Wow, it seems to me that I don’t have to spell anything out to you! I am lazy. LAZY, LAZY, LAZY. As in want to do nothing (but eat) and have the weight ooze off my body. Clearly sloth ain’t working for me, but I am so slothy (remember, English teacher) that I can’t do anything about it.

RAGE. Ok, this one is trickier. I am mad at ED. Mad at myself. Really, really mad. How could I let myself get like this? Why the f*ck don’t I do anything about it? What the f*ck is wrong with me? Maybe if I got rage-ier I could kick that whole sloth thing to the curb and do something. AHHH! (And that is not a surprised or happy AHHH! That’s a pissed off–that’s not too swear-ish, is it?–I hate me and ED and being fat AHHH!)

ENVY. Really? Only an idiot (and please accept my humblest apologies to anyone reading my blog, to whom that applies) couldn’t see that one. I envy anyone who is thin. Everyone. Cartoon characters, actors, models, average person. I am even envious of the word SKINNY. How can you be envious of a word? Well I am, so I guess there is a way, but just don’t ask me to explain it.

Hey, Moms, you only talked about 6 sins; you forgot PRIDE.

Pride? Me? I am ashamed. Embarassed. Horrified.
Pride? Not even close.

I am so fat that I am bulging out of my clothes. Stuff that should fit, doesn’t. I hear groans from my bedroom scale whenever my fat frame steps on to view the damage caused by my gluttony. (Actually there are two groans: mine and the scale’s.)

Should I be proud of my lack of self-control? My inaction? Hardly.

And now the other sins that didn’t make the top 7…

BEING FAT. Though closely linked to some of the others, it deserves to be its own sin because the other sins might apply to me without specifically covering my immense girth. I think this is the worst one. It shows my lack of effort and my lack of action and disregard of what is socially acceptable. Being fat lets everyone in the sighted world that I am the epitome of disgustingness. Definitely a sin.

COMPLAINY. That’s when all you do is bemoan the problem and refuse to come up with, or participate, in a solution. I know what to do. I should fast. I should restrict. There are a lot of things that I should do, but I don’t. Comlain-iness leads to other sins.

WEAKNESS. I am not talking about physical weakness–from which I also suffer–but mental weakness. I don’t follow my own personal mandates. I don’t exercise. I don’t do what I should do to achieve my goal of being skinny. I give into myself so easily, without even a moment’s thought, without contemplation, without even having a good reason. I hate being weak. It defines my character and it is pathetic.

ALL THE OTHERS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO MY CONTINUOUS PRACTICE OF BEING FAT. This is the giant catch-all for all the other things that prevent me from being skinny. Actually this sin would be more aptly named MYSELF.

I am the biggest sin of all.