Happy New Year!

Um, Moms, New Years? I know what you are thinking…”Moms, we KNOW you have issues and are crazy, and well, you are, you know, oozing problems; now you can’t read a calendar? The official New Year starts January 1st at midnight. If you want to pop on a kippah, you could say the New Years starts…[pause as you consult the calendar app on your phone] starts at the beginning of next week.

“Momsgotproblems, What the f*ck are you talking about? Happy New Year?

Let me give you the skinny. (Ha, ha, HA! Like that is even POSSIBLE to put on the same page as me. I should say “Let me give you the big, fat, disgusting, cow-like, gigantic, huge, nauseating, obese.”)

I’ve been meaning to write to you, my loving (you ARE loving, right?) reader. I really wanted to write this specific entry seven days. The date was Tuesday, September 4, 2012.

And that date changes my life, Momsgotproblems, because…?

Well it doesn’t. Well I think it doesn’t change yours, but it signifies the possibility of a fresh start for me. The start of school.

All summer/Memorial Day/vacation/f*cking ______________(fill in the blank) I kept saying that I was going to start and lose weight. I was going to employ whatever tools that I had in my bag-o-tricks to have the poundage peel off.

Eat sensibly, exercise, get enough sleep, blah, blah. Ha. Like I’m going to do that.

Restricting, Fasting, Purging, Laxing (Taking laxatives to non-bulimics, but personally I think it is an easier and more flow-y way to say it), Rexing (Ok, that one I made up and I have never, ever heard anyone else use that abbreviation because it is…interesting. Personally if we can say “laxing,” why isn’t there a way to say taking diuretics. I tried other shorted versions that you will see just didn’t work–dieing, retting, wetting, ticking; hence rexing was born.).

Hello ADHD running wild!!!! Wait, let me re-read what the hell I was reading.

OK. All the sh*t I talked about above is my version of the blah, blah, blah people talk about as the “right” way to lose weight. Sure, if I wanted to spend the rest of the days with my own hair following a “sensible” plan, perhaps I would go from being a f*cking obese inhuman moose to a f*cking fat disgusting cow. (Well fat is better than obese, and a cow is better than a moose, right?) Anyway, you get the point.

Now if you have followed my wonderful, humorous, honest, and all-around best thing you have ever read in your entire life, you know that even though I want to stick with the “purging” stuff–whatever the purge du’jour is. But I screw up. Regularly. Always. In big, huge, mother-of-all mistakes screw ups.

I binge. (Betcha didn’t see that one coming.) I hate bingeing. More than anything. I feel weak and stupid and guilty and out-of-control, gutless, waste of space, fat, useless blob. I undo everything I had worked so hard to achieve!

But September 4, 2012 was my New Year; my fresh beginning. Have I been perfect? Yeah, right. Last week from Tuesday morning to Friday morning I was five pounds down! The only thing I remember eating was Thursday night my screwing up by eating pretzels and too many cookies, so by some kind of miracle I still lost the last pound, thus making up the total. I don’t think I ate the other days; I seriously can’t remember.

And then came the weekend. Can we say F*CK-O-RAMA???? Ate whatever. Didn’t really matter and I didn’t really matter. Well I did. A lot. But oh well. As soon as I took that first forbidden bite I had undone all of my fasting for the week. I deserved to be punished. And the best way to do that? Eat more. Binge.

Monday morning, get on the scale. I knew the numbers would not be easy to look at. I knew the weight would be so much higher than my pre-weekend weight; I just didn’t know how much of a disaster I caused. Bad, but not above where I was when I started my new year. Really, really close, but still down. Only by one. Still really sucked. Three days of starvation–well except for the pretzel/cookie screw up on Thursday night–to only lose one pound.

So we come to this week (be thankful I’m not going hour by hour!) and so far I’m down four pounds. Yes 4! I would be lying if I didn’t say I was psyched! Mostly fasted Monday but screwed up at night–ate dinner and then junk fooded it with a binged (how I lost is one of those crazy lunar-eclipse things). Tuesday I fasted; I can’t remember eating anything. And today I am sans food. Hopefully the scale will be nice.

Will it continue? Will I screw up over the weekend? Will I screw up before the weekend? Can I keep lying my way out of dinners? Is this the New Year that I really turn it around, lose the massive amount of weight I need to lose, and FINALLY gain a modicum of control?

I f*cking hope so!