Putting the Cart Before the Horse

Warning! Even though I did not intend this to be long, it kinda/sorta/a teeny bit long. Definitely worth it. Poignant and insightful, and FABULOUS!!!!!

I am sure you have heard the old adage of putting the cart before the horse. The way I interpret this problem is by fixating on future problems instead of the one in front of me. Another way I think about it is by putting the solution, or end result, before the problem. It’s putting the effect before the cause. It’s putting the reaction before the catalyst.

What the hell am I talking about?

The other day I was stressed and anxious. I know, I know; that is nothing new, and my dear blog readers have come to expect my neuroses and mental-ness to come out in my writing. But because an additional problem, a very serious personal matter (honestly it is so personal that I can’t share it with you. Sorry!), I was/am extra, extra, EXTRA stress and anxious and worried. I felt sick–literally sick. I had to do something because I really couldn’t handle it.

I wanted to purge. I needed to purge. The urge was so strong that it was killing me. But I had a problem: I was fasting and there was nothing in my body to purge.

What did I do? I had something to eat. The purpose? To purge. The cart before the horse.

Now that was the first (ok, not the first but not a regular thing by far as you know) time that I wanted to handle the pain by purging. Most of the time the purging is ED’s way of punishing me for eating. And I readily do it; often before he even insists. I know if I eat, and usually eat a lot, I need to rid my body of the food.

Usually my MO is to binge and binge HARD. A no-holds barred, anything goes, eat as much as I can and as fast as I can. I hate that. HATE THAT. I hate the aftermath. I hate the numbers on the scale. I hate the guilt that follows a binge. During the binge I have the ‘what the f*ck’ attitude; I think to myself that I have already scarfed down too much food, so what is the point is stopping? The damage is done so I keep going. Think of it this way…

Ok, this is weird. I cannot come up with a comparable example that isn’t totally ridiculous. I was going to talk about being late. If I’m five minutes late for an appointment, or 30 minutes to a doctor’s appointment, what is the difference. Here is the difference: if I am five minutes late it is no big deal and I will be seen by the doctor at the time she (all female doctors in my life) would normally see me. (When have you seen a doctor without waiting at least 5-10 minutes?) Now if I was going to be 30 minutes late, I would most likely have to reschedule the appointment because I would then mess up all subsequent appointments with other people. So that scenario won’t work.

Here’s another example I was going to use: if my principal (or assistant principal or department head) was formally observing me and giving me my formal evaluation, I would want everything to be perfect. If I got a “needs improvement” or an “unsatisfactory” (the rating goes effective/satisfactory, needs improvement, umsatisfactory), I would flip out and do my best to correct that area. She (or he or she–see above list of adminstrators) would most likely come again to see if I improved in all those areas. It would be so much harder and stressful to fix all areas. I would be under the microscope. Often. What if I got only one “needs improvement?” I would still flip, but I would only need to change one thing, which is easier than changing many things. (For the record, dear readers, both of my formal evaluations this year were absolutely glowing and made me out to be super teacher extraordinaire!) That example isn’t good to use.

Here was another situation to prove going over the deep end with bingeing is no worse than going over a little bit. Let’s say I have x dollars in my bank account. Ok, let’s be real; it’s x-1. But again x. Is it any worse to spend x plus $10 than x plus 1? YES! My overdraft protection will only cover so much and then I would have bounced check fees left and right!

Wait! Wait! Wait!!! I just thought of a couple of examples where bingeing a ton is no worse than bingeing a little. Say I am 9 months pregnant. (I’m not, but would like to be–how much harder can four kids be instead of three kids?) Now compare that to being 5 months pregnant, or 1 month pregnant. Is there a difference? No. A person can’t be “a little pregnant.” You are, or you aren’t. Pregnant is pregnant. Bingeing is bingeing.

Drunk is drunk.
Stoned is stoned.
The letter A is the letter A (ok, that makes no sense but I didn’t want to put another negative example.)

I’m pretty sure that I have conveyed to you that I hate bingeing. Loathe it! Despise it!

I know what you are thinking; “wow, Momsgotproblems really went off on a tangent and the second part of this entry has nothing to do with the title.

Let me reign it back in–see, that can be a horse thing! You already know I’ve got problems (if I haven’t convinced you of this, look at my name). Of course my writing, like my thoughts, will stray from the topic. Second of all, consider this whole issue of bingeing and the debate of whether or not bingeing a little vs. bingeing a lot makes a difference. It not an example of putting the horse before the cart.

It is an example of ME pushing the cart with the horse riding in it.

I Have Committed Adultery

I am an adulterer. I’m not proud of this fact; rather, I am ashamed. I am frustrated with myself. I am horrified by actions. I feel ugly. I am low–lower than the worm who crawls upon the earth (the ground, not the planet). I belong with Hades (the guy, not the place). I should get a divorce and have to confess my sins in front of a jury of my peers.

No, I have not cheated on Seth, my hubs. I have cheated on ED.

ED has a plan for me; a plan that started this past Monday and has to be followed for the next 49 days. I did not follow the plan and cheated. I disobeyed ED’s mandate; I did not comply with what he expected of me. I was dishonest and succumbed to temptation. I binged. Again. For the third day in a row. Ignoring what he wanted me to do for my own good. I failed him.

I cheated on ED with ED. HUH? ED led me astray. My resolved crumbled and I was led astray by his seductive ways. He told me to cheat. He told me that even though I knew it was wrong to disregard my commitment to my original ED, I would enjoy it more if I listened to him.

OK, I am getting confused between the ED that I cheated on, and the ED that I cheated with. For the sake of differenciation, I will refer to my first ED as…hm…Loving ED. The ED which romanced me and showered me with tempting foods that I couldn’t resist, will be further known as Evil ED. Got it? Good.

Why did I listen to Evil ED? I knew how I would feel afterwards. I knew the guilt that would eat away at me. I knew the repercussions of my actions. I knew that my betrayal of Loving ED would haunt me for quite a long time. I knew I would deserve it.

Evil ED is the snake in the proverbial Garden of Eden.

Loving ED immediately took me back because he would ultimately bring me long-term happiness. I need to trust him and listen to him and know that he has my best interests at heart. But as we know, blog-readers, that everything comes with a price. Usually a steep price.

Loving ED is angry. No, that isn’t quite strong enough to express his feelings. Loving ED is PISSED!!!

I can expect punishment. Last night I received just a small taste (I think that is definitely a poor choice of words) of the consequences to can expect from my beloved partner.

Loving ED made me purge last night after my first discretion of the night. I did what he wanted me to do without question. I didn’t feel like I HAD to; ablution was fully justifiable and what I needed to prove my devotion.

But temptation never fully goes away. Evil ED visited me again last night. He convinced me that since I had already cheated on Loving ED, what would it hurt to do so again? I knew deep down that it was wrong. I knew Evil ED just wanted to provide me with a with a short romp of pleasure. I really, really, really knew I would live to forget it. But I am weak and out of control and easily beguiled and desire instant gratification.

Once again, I committed adultery with Evil ED. And once again Loving ED took me back. And once again he doled out a consequence.

This morning the numbers on the scale went up. I want to cry. I berate myself for letting Loving ED down. I am living in fear of another visit from Evil ED and his ability to entice me to the dark side. I am desperate to resist the wonderful delicacies he will present to me. I am terrified of causing Loving ED to abandon me.

Forever.