Therapalooza

Well it happens once a month…every so often it is every 5 weeks…a very special event occurs. I don’t know how many people get to experience it; perhaps only special people get to experience Therapalooza. (Yeah, so you’re surprised that I’m one of the chosen “special,” huh?)

Go ahead. Ask.
I know you want to.
I can read your mind. (Just because mine is a bit…well let’s just say mine is a bit…doesn’t mean I can’t read yours.)
Be like Nike and just do it.

“OK, Moms,” you say, “I’ll ask.”

WHAT THE F*CK IS THERAPALOOZA??????

Therapalooza is the once monthly day when I have my appointment with my therapist AND the shrink who dumped me on the same day!!

Calm down, my friend, I know that you are jealous of Therapalooza. Sometimes I am even jealous of myself during the other 29 or 30 days that are not Therapalooza.

And now, without further ado…or even adon’t… a recap of Therapalooza!!!

Therapalooza Act I: The Shrink Who Dumped Me

*I’ve got issues.
Issues with Bobby and Double (Big F*cking Issues, with a capital ISH!)
Issues with Margaret (Again that capital ISH!)
Issues with Seth…no, I take that back. The issues are not with Seth himself, but with the fact that Seth just got laid off due to no fault of his own and the incredible anxiety I am feeling about temporarily having one income.
Issues with ED (Big, Huge, Fat F*cking Cow Issues with a capital ISH ISH ISH!!!)
Who’s ED?
Issues with all my other issues.
Issues with issues with issues on top of issues with whipped cream and cherries on top.
Did I mention issues?

Oh, did I tell you that I want to get a second job? Not a second career. Nothing major or full-time or even important enough that I will rue burning a bridge when my brilliant Seth gets another even better full-time job, second job. Just the run-of-the-mill not something I really want to do because I have nothing better to do second job. I’m talking tutoring which will give me some good money but every certified teacher who wants to pick up a second job wants to do. Or babysitting which is a pretty simple task for a mom (we’ll leave off the “gotsproblems” part) with three kids and you’re right I don’t really desire to work all day with kids and then be with my kids and then spend weekends with mine and others so I can get extra money. And I would most likely be able to get the same money a high school kid would get even though I theoretically could and should get more but I would be able to get the jobs now and then it would be more in my pocket than working retail and seriously I don’t think I could handle waitressing.*

Conclusion: Yes, you do have big, fat f*cking issues. Yes, your life does suck. No, I will not give you a stimulant for your ADHD. Yes, I know that is the only thing that really worked, but because of ED I will not give you them. Here’s a prescription for *%&%$%^^%$##%. See you next month during Therapalooza.

OK, so what that I am paraphrasing. You get it, right?

Moms!
What?
Get on with it?
With What?
You’re Killing me. I’m begging you to let me read about ACT II of Therapalooza.
Sure. Do you want the “I will take the about 17 MINUTE THERAPY SESSION transcript and stretch it into the 50 MINUTE THERAPY SESSION transcript” version? or the super-elapsed, “you totally get the point without me turning this already longer-than I planned entry” version?
What do you mean you’re not sure? Really?
Well me being Momsgotproblems, and me being so wonderfully and awesomely accommodating (Yeah, we already established issued filled) I’ll give you both!

Therapalooza ACT II: The Therapist

Here’s the super-elapsed version (sans conclusion): Start reading at the * and stop when you reach the *.
Here’s the stretched-out, 17 minute into 50 minute transcript (sans conclusion): Start reading at the *, read unit you reach the * and then repeat 3 or 4 more times (depending on how fast you read.

Conclusion: Yup, Moms=issues. I get it, Moms. Right now life, excuse my language, life sux (I totally get a kick out the fast she always says that while I frequently and spectacularly drop the f-bomb). How are you taking care of you? I don’t think getting a second job is a great plan. Sell stuff on craigslist. It’s wrap-up time.

Still jealous of Therapalooza? I’ll be happy to take along some of your questions to raise during next month’s celebration.

****IF YOU CAN TELL ME HOW MANY TIMES I USED THE WORD “ISSUE” OR “ISSUES” AND IF YOU COMMENT (LET ME REPEAT–AND YOU COMMENT) I’LL EMAIL YOU A SUPPLY OF CHEESEBURGERS THAT WILL LAST FROM ONE THERAPALOOZA TO THE NEXT THERAPALOOZA.