Therapalooza

Well it happens once a month…every so often it is every 5 weeks…a very special event occurs. I don’t know how many people get to experience it; perhaps only special people get to experience Therapalooza. (Yeah, so you’re surprised that I’m one of the chosen “special,” huh?)

Go ahead. Ask.
I know you want to.
I can read your mind. (Just because mine is a bit…well let’s just say mine is a bit…doesn’t mean I can’t read yours.)
Be like Nike and just do it.

“OK, Moms,” you say, “I’ll ask.”

WHAT THE F*CK IS THERAPALOOZA??????

Therapalooza is the once monthly day when I have my appointment with my therapist AND the shrink who dumped me on the same day!!

Calm down, my friend, I know that you are jealous of Therapalooza. Sometimes I am even jealous of myself during the other 29 or 30 days that are not Therapalooza.

And now, without further ado…or even adon’t… a recap of Therapalooza!!!

Therapalooza Act I: The Shrink Who Dumped Me

*I’ve got issues.
Issues with Bobby and Double (Big F*cking Issues, with a capital ISH!)
Issues with Margaret (Again that capital ISH!)
Issues with Seth…no, I take that back. The issues are not with Seth himself, but with the fact that Seth just got laid off due to no fault of his own and the incredible anxiety I am feeling about temporarily having one income.
Issues with ED (Big, Huge, Fat F*cking Cow Issues with a capital ISH ISH ISH!!!)
Who’s ED?
Issues with all my other issues.
Issues with issues with issues on top of issues with whipped cream and cherries on top.
Did I mention issues?

Oh, did I tell you that I want to get a second job? Not a second career. Nothing major or full-time or even important enough that I will rue burning a bridge when my brilliant Seth gets another even better full-time job, second job. Just the run-of-the-mill not something I really want to do because I have nothing better to do second job. I’m talking tutoring which will give me some good money but every certified teacher who wants to pick up a second job wants to do. Or babysitting which is a pretty simple task for a mom (we’ll leave off the “gotsproblems” part) with three kids and you’re right I don’t really desire to work all day with kids and then be with my kids and then spend weekends with mine and others so I can get extra money. And I would most likely be able to get the same money a high school kid would get even though I theoretically could and should get more but I would be able to get the jobs now and then it would be more in my pocket than working retail and seriously I don’t think I could handle waitressing.*

Conclusion: Yes, you do have big, fat f*cking issues. Yes, your life does suck. No, I will not give you a stimulant for your ADHD. Yes, I know that is the only thing that really worked, but because of ED I will not give you them. Here’s a prescription for *%&%$%^^%$##%. See you next month during Therapalooza.

OK, so what that I am paraphrasing. You get it, right?

Moms!
What?
Get on with it?
With What?
You’re Killing me. I’m begging you to let me read about ACT II of Therapalooza.
Sure. Do you want the “I will take the about 17 MINUTE THERAPY SESSION transcript and stretch it into the 50 MINUTE THERAPY SESSION transcript” version? or the super-elapsed, “you totally get the point without me turning this already longer-than I planned entry” version?
What do you mean you’re not sure? Really?
Well me being Momsgotproblems, and me being so wonderfully and awesomely accommodating (Yeah, we already established issued filled) I’ll give you both!

Therapalooza ACT II: The Therapist

Here’s the super-elapsed version (sans conclusion): Start reading at the * and stop when you reach the *.
Here’s the stretched-out, 17 minute into 50 minute transcript (sans conclusion): Start reading at the *, read unit you reach the * and then repeat 3 or 4 more times (depending on how fast you read.

Conclusion: Yup, Moms=issues. I get it, Moms. Right now life, excuse my language, life sux (I totally get a kick out the fast she always says that while I frequently and spectacularly drop the f-bomb). How are you taking care of you? I don’t think getting a second job is a great plan. Sell stuff on craigslist. It’s wrap-up time.

Still jealous of Therapalooza? I’ll be happy to take along some of your questions to raise during next month’s celebration.

****IF YOU CAN TELL ME HOW MANY TIMES I USED THE WORD “ISSUE” OR “ISSUES” AND IF YOU COMMENT (LET ME REPEAT–AND YOU COMMENT) I’LL EMAIL YOU A SUPPLY OF CHEESEBURGERS THAT WILL LAST FROM ONE THERAPALOOZA TO THE NEXT THERAPALOOZA.

LOL, ROFL, BRB…Move on Over!!!

My faithful blog readers,

Let me start off by stating the obvious. We are living in a technological world. Everyone has Facebook. Everyone owns a mobile phone (well not Margaret, much to her chagrin), and the majority of those phones are “smart.” And yes, I am “man” enough to admit it is smarter than me!

Who doesn’t have a desktop/laptop/netbook/nook/kindle/e-reader? Who doesn’t have an ipod/mp3/other music player?

We text and email and IM and facetime and skype and google and other stuff that I don’t know how to do.

And there is a special language to do all these things. Standard written English need not apply because it doesn’t fit into these different modes of communication. Which brings us to…

THE LAND OF ACRONYMS!

I’m sure you know more of these code words than I do because I’m a dinosaur. I know the basics.

LOL= Laugh out Loud
ROFL= Rolling on the Floor Laughing
BRB= Be Right Back
ROTFLMAO= Rolling on the Floor Laughing my *ss Off
GTG= Got to Go
WTF= What the F*ck (and anyone who has read my previous posts knows that this is a particular favorite of mine)

As you know, there are some eating disorder acronyms and abbreviations that we use regularly. This is by no means a comprehensive list.

ED= Eating Disorder
MIA= Bulimia
ANA= Anorexia
B&P= Binge and Purge (Ok, I might have made this one up, but I’m not sure)
C&S= Chewing and Spitting (Pretty sure I made this one up)
Laxing= When one takes laxatives for weight loss purposes

I was thinking about this idea of acronyms and abbreviations over this past week when I fell off the wagon. I fell hard. Actually I didn’t fall; I jumped off and the wagon rolled over me and then ED backed the wagon up and ran over me again. (Sadly all of this wagon-rolling-over-me-ness did nothing to squish my body into a smaller size!)

I realized there were some very important sentiments that had been overlooked in the world of verbal and written short cuts, so I have taken it upon myself to create them!

TTT (which my be called Triple T)= Taking the Tea. This refers to taking green tea diet pills
SFF= So F*cking Fat. This one is frequently part of my vernacular (ooh, $100 word!)
FFA= Fat F*cking *ss.
NEH= Not Even Human. I use this one to compare my grotesque, disgusting body to normal people.
IIEP (Which may be called Double I E P)= Is It Even Possible. This describes the shockingly high
numbers my scale shows
CFMWATD= Can’t Fit My Wide *ss Through Door
ABTAB= *ss Bigger Than a Barn
MPDFF= My Pants Don’t F*cking Fit
FFC= Fat F*cking Cow
FFM= Fat F*cking Moose. This one is necessary when cow is too small of an animal for me to make a comparision.
NTFF= Need to Fast Forever
OMFGISFH= Oh My F*cking God I’m So F*cking Huge
ESTIFF= Even Shrink (as in psychiatrist) Thinks I’m F*cking Fat
YLH= You look healthy. People will use this acronym when they are too polite to say you’re SFF.

There are so many others I could create and list, but I think I’ve captured the general sentiment.

LOL you are SOO yesterday!

*Technical Note: For the first time I have inserted a poll (I think!) Vote! Oh, and as always I love to read comments–especially the positive ones!